


Title of Your Sex Tape

by panyang



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Communication, Crack Treated Seriously, Domestic Fluff, Exhibitionism, Implied Sexual Content, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Mild Language, Voyeurism, for all these sexy tags there isnt any actual porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:14:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29677551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panyang/pseuds/panyang
Summary: Oikawa claps his hands together like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "It's a challenge, Iwa-chan! They sent me an HD copy of a video of them fucking for an hour and a half. We need to respond with a cinematic masterpiece."Hajime is about to raise his counterpoint of Just Because A Couple Shares Their Sextape With You Does Not Mean They Want You To Send Them One In Return, Tooru adds, "They said they wouldn't mind seeing us go at it too, if we're interested." And ah. No wonder Tooru was offering. And then also; look at that, Tooru’s godforsaken idea isn’t his alone, but two other people’s too! What alternate universe did he wake up in.In which Iwaizumi Hajime considers Vaguely Competitive Sex Tape Making.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, side Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, this could fall under iwaoikghn if you squint hard enough
Comments: 9
Kudos: 75





	Title of Your Sex Tape

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! its been a minute! i hope life is treating you well! this draft is a good few months old and i thought i'd give it a once over and release it into the wild. its dumb and fun and i've always been fond of the weird awkward conversations you have with your s/o that actually mean a lot more than they do at first glance. i'm here for the secondhand embarrassment more than anything else
> 
> this takes place in an au where iwa is still the national team's AT, but tooru stayed to play for japan! dont take it too seriously, i still love argentinian toto but i had to take some liberties bc i wanted married iwaoi where iwa was also tooru's AT. also can u imagine a locker room with the national team PLUS oikawa. what the fuck would that be like 
> 
> i hope you enjoy!

  
  


There are no easy days in the Oikawa-Iwaizumi household. Ever. Tooru is a godless little shit, you see, even on Sundays, because it's a relatively relaxed weekend morning when he storms into the kitchen where Hajime is making breakfast and declares, "Chibi-chan and Tobio-chan made a sex tape." Hajime stops dicing carrots abruptly, before taking a deep breath and resuming at a much slower, more careful rate.

He can't think of a response to this. He'd give anyone a million yen if they had any kind of response to this. He finishes the whole carrot before he collects himself enough to say, "And how exactly do you know this?" He regrets the question as soon as it leaves his mouth.

"Chibi-chan showed me," Tooru says easily, and Hajime swears he almost slices a finger clean off. His hands are frozen on the counter now. Where the fuck was he supposed to begin with all that. Also, someone please take the knife way.

"He what?" he asks, incredulous.

"Showed me," Tooru repeats. "We're really good friends," he adds, like that fixes this, before he goes and reaches into his short pocket for his phone. Hajime barely has the time to register what Tooru's doing when said phone is waved in his face, a video paused on a shot of - _Lord why would you do this to me I'm a good man I've been a good man all my life_. It's only six am and already everything is terrible. Hajime lets out the most undignified yelp and drops the knife into the sink before covering his face, cheeks hot.

"I don't want to see either of them naked, Tooru!" Tooru puts his phone away, looking genuinely apologetic. "Sorry, I guess that’s a bit much.” he says after a moment, then walks out of the kitchen. 

Going against every instinct in his body, Hajime thinks that's the end of it, but isn't, because not even a second later Tooru waltzes back in and says, “Don't you already see them in the locker room? And I can't believe that's your only takeaway from this." His forehead is wrinkled in the exact way he hates, because apparently it'll make his skin age faster. Have you tried living with yourself, Hajime thinks. See if you don’t age ten years in the span of a three minute conversation. 

"That's different. Penises when you're changing out of gym clothes and penises in sex aren't the same!" That's a real, actual thing he's just said right now. This is a real, normal conversation they are having. “And what do you mean _my only takeaway_? What else is there to take away?” Again, a question Hajime will regret as soon as he asks it.

Tooru picks a little piece of carrot to pop in his mouth, chewing on it loudly. "Oh my god Iwa-chan," he says, then - and you won't fucking won't believe this - adds, "Don't you think we can make one better?" Do you believe this? Hajime can’t. If you listen real close, you can hear his hairline rising, which scientifically shouldn't be something anyone can do. Was this what Tooru meant when he said he'd be pushing the limits of human capacity when he grew up? Hajime always thought it would be something cool and related to volleyball, and not something like _hey scientists! check out how badly I can stress out my husband of two years over the course of a single conversation._

"Why the fuck are we going to one up their sextape," Hajime asks. Of all the godforsaken ideas Tooru's come up with, this might be the worst. Excluding that thing on the airplane, which was absolutely still a godforsaken idea, except he'd be lying if he said he didn't like it. But that's beside the point.

Oikawa claps his hands together like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "It's a challenge, Iwa-chan! They sent me an HD copy of a video of them fucking for an hour and a half. We need to respond with a cinematic masterpiece."

Hajime is about to raise his counterpoint of Just Because A Couple Shares Their Sextape With You Does Not Mean They Want You To Send Them One In Return, Tooru adds, "They said they wouldn't mind seeing us go at it too, if we're interested." And ah. No wonder Tooru was offering. And then also; look at that, Tooru’s godforsaken idea isn’t his alone, but two other people’s too! What alternate universe did he wake up in. 

Hajime doesn’t mean to sound so judgy - he doesn’t make a habit of judging other people's preferences in bed. He genuinely just doesn't give a fuck about it, because he's always considered himself to be vanilla as shit, and mostly because he hasn't got the time.

He knows kinks like this - the voyeurism, exhibitionist aligned type stuff - exist. And he gets it, if only in a disconnected, observer kind of way. He's seen it in Tooru, for starters. This guy’s definitely got an exhibitionist streak. He likes to be seen, heard, known. Likes it better knowing that it's Hajime doing all that to him. Sometimes they fuck so loud that their neighbor starts playing rock music to drown out their noise, and whenever that happens Tooru always gets a little smug. Like, he'll fuck Hajime a little deeper, ride a little harder. While not on purpose, Hajime’s always considered kinky to mean only the leathery stuff; the tying up and the gagging and that one US movie about shades. Point is, he doesn't consider himself kinky. He likes Tooru, likes making him happy more than anything else, but.

But.

If liking Tooru being showy and loud when he feels good in bed is kinky, then sure, you could call Hajime that. 

He doesn't mean to think too hard on it. At least not now, they haven’t even had breakfast yet and he’s probably still got crusty eyes. It's just that now that he's considered it, however briefly, it's a little less .. daunting, you could say, than he originally thought. Not ‐ not anything striking, or interesting. Yet. Just intriguing. Just a thought. Just the sudden, surprise appeal in letting select people know that yeah, I take care of Tooru best. No one will ever do it like me.

He's silent for a long while, which Tooru takes as a prompt to say lightly, "Obviously we don't have to! It's just an offer, I can say no and there'll be no hard feelings." 

Hajime sets the carrots aside and places the cutting board into the sink with a soft, "I'd like some time to think about it." If that surprises Tooru, he doesn't let it show.

  
  


* * *

Tooru doesn’t actually bring it up again. But then maybe that was on purpose, so that Hajime would have to be the one to talk about it. Living with Tooru can be a bit like living with an invasive species sometimes, but in the core of it he's always done his best to be respectful of Hajime and his boundaries. Thinking about it, they don't really talk about boundaries, at least not in so many words, which is probably something they should work on more. It's never felt like that much a loss, because so much of their friendship had been built on the wordless knowing. Talking certainly wouldn't hurt - but it's never felt like the thing they needed to build themselves upon, the thing to make them work.

Tooru not mentioning this again feels like an example of that, kinda. Like a roundabout way of Tooru drawing the line for them, like, “I won't mention it so you don't feel like that's something you need to do for me. You can tell me what you think when you're ready for it."

It’s the sweetest thing, Tooru, being stupid and sweet and wanting Hajime to know he has an equal amount of control on this conversation, in his own stupid, stupid way. 

And then also the worst, because how the hell does he expect Hajime to bring it up? Hajime isn’t shy or conservative, per se. But the mere thought of immortalizing an instance of them having sex on video is making him flare up in shades of red he didn’t know existed, where would he even start with showing that to someone else? And bragging about it too, cause that’s what that is, right? The whole sextape thing? It's about showing off - and getting off on the showing. On the seeing. On the being seen. 

_God_ , Hajime thinks. _I want it but I don’t know how to bring it up. Do something_.

  
  
  


* * *

God, who apparently likes to clown on people, actually does.

Impressively, Kageyama and Hinata are very relaxed around him and Tooru. They're unbothered during training, unbothered getting dressed and undressed in the locker rooms, and not at all acting like they'd just sent Tooru a video of them doing the do or invited them to send one back. Well, Hinata's been a significantly more relaxed version of himself since whatever the fuck he did in Brazil, and Kageyama as a general is just not susceptible to getting flustered. It makes Hajime relax too, in a way, knowing this is a thing he can walk away from if he ever wanted to, and nothing would change. After two weeks of no mention of the tape from Tooru, Hajime starts to think that that’s the direction he’s heading towards. That’s the plan now, probably. Just don’t mention it and the fact that you’re like, kinda into it despite never having tried it before will die with you and no one has to know.

It’s a particularly tired Friday morning practice that derails him from his otherwise solid plan.

The whole team is in the locker room, changing into their training clothes when someone - Miya, probably, he’s not sure because he swears he blacked out after this happened - says, "Good going, Iwaizumi-san!" and points at a trail of bite marks on Tooru hips that disappear down his shorts. The snipe was meant for Tooru, because Tooru rises to bait like nobody's business, and Miya's always liked to make fun of him anyway. 

But Hajime feels his chest swell a little. Cause yeah, you know? Good going is right. He likes to leave a little of himself on Tooru like that, but it's not like anyone who wasn't Tooru has ever acknowledged it before this and then now it's - a point of pride, suddenly. Last night was good and sweet and made it very difficult to get out of bed this morning, and unthinkingly, Hajime answers, "Thanks, it was great." 

It's like all the air had gotten sucked out of the room. 

He doesn't realize what he just said, at first. He's just like, yeah, that was me, it was good, until he looks up at Tooru's face. He's _burning,_ which is saying something. Tooru was always the more scandalous between the two of them, always the one who’s saying things that make Hajime go pink, and right now his eyes look like they're about to pop out of their sockets. Beside him, Miya looks like he might drop dead. Hajime thinks _saaaaame_ in the surfer dude bro voice his brain picked up while he was Cali and never put down. Hajime turns on his heel, goes out the door, and speedwalks down the hall.

So in light of recent developments, yes: you could file Hajime under Turns Out, I Like To Be Seen on the Kink Folder.

  
  
  


* * *

They don’t talk about it while at work. Hajime wants to call it being professional, but there’s a niggling in the back of his brain that’s saying, “You’re literally about to ask your husband to film a porno with you to send to your co-workers, professionalism is dead, you killed it with your own two hands."

It's a lot on him, clearly. Instead he resolves to sit down with Tooru and talk about this - really, really talk about it, because he's a good adult person, and can have good adult conversations without combusting on the spot. Tooru beats him to the punch over dinner.

“So Iwa-chan,” he starts. “what was that, earlier today?” His hands are folded neatly on the table, plate pushed off to the side, and anyone who didn’t know what they were talking about might think they’d been fighting, with how stiffly Hajime’s sitting and how serious Tooru looks with his hands like that. “I wasn’t thinking,” Hajime answers honestly. His mouth is full, so his words come out all smushed. Tooru laughs.

“Don’t laugh!” Hajime says, even though it is kinda funny. He’s spraying rice and little pieces of chicken everywhere. “Gross, Iwa-chan!” Tooru laughs some more, and Hajime sets his plate aside so he can drop his face on the table. He’s still chewing rice. 

“I just - hang on,” Tooru thumps his chest, like he’s trying to get the last of his laughter out, then says, “okay. No, listen, we can talk about this. I’ll stop laughing.” Hajime sits back up slowly, holds his hand up while he finishes his mouthful and swallows.

“Yes,” he answers, “we can talk.” Tooru nods at him. 

“Have you been thinking about it?" he asks him. Hajime takes a deep breath and nods, “Yes.” His heart is hammering in his chest, which is silly, kinda. They're only talking about it. He wills his heart rate to calm down a bit. Tooru nods curtly, looks straight up at Hajime and very slowly, like he’s still choosing his words, says, “And do you have - do you know how you feel about it, yet?” Hajime nods again. There’s another pause that follows, but Tooru doesn’t say anything this time, so Hajime thinks that's his cue. Well, now or never. 

“I am - I’m interested in filming ourselves to show select friends. I like - I think I like the idea of showing them how I take care of you.” he says. He does it carefully, each word backed by certainty and intent. He didn’t lose his shit saying it at least, which is honestly more than he expected of himself. Gold star, applause everywhere, roses thrown onstage. 

And then.

And then that's it. No tectonic shift or nuclear explosion, just Tooru sliding his plate back in front of himself and saying, “Okay. That’s nice. So am I.” His head is low and he’s staring resolutely at the pile of rice he has in front of him, but even like this Hajime can see the red of his cheeks. 

_Okay, that's nice, so am I_ echoes in his brain for the rest of the evening.

  
  


* * *

They don't film until the week after. They're either busy or tired or both, and it's another Sunday before their schedule clears up enough for them to have another conversation in the kitchen that's about scheduling the actual sex.

Hajime's never had to schedule sex before. Privately, he's concerned he's making it all very clinical and unsexy - he's Tooru trainer, after all, and he's got a front row seat to all the work Tooru puts in day after day. He's also his husband, first and foremost, and he'd promised many times to take care of Tooru, even before the vows and the wedding rings. He wasn't about to tire Tooru out needlessly. "Sorry," he says turning the coffee machine on. It gurgles on the counter, and Hajime puts a mug underneath the dispenser just before the coffee starts to trickle through. "I feel like I'm making it super formal and like, not hot."

Tooru places a gentle hand on his bicep and says, "Silly Iwa-chan." He stops to kiss him on the cheek on his way to the fridge. "I think you're being wonderful." 

Hinata calls Tooru later that day. He gets put on loudspeaker and Tooru puts his phone on the dining table while they talk about what they'll be doing. Hinata is kind, if that's what you say about someone you're about to send a porno of yourself to, but he's also very certain. He sounds a lot like he knows what he's talking about and what he likes, and Hajime remembers, ah, Brazil, and decides not to think too hard about it. He spends the phone call together with Kageyama reassuring Hajime that no one else will know, thanks him for being really cool about it and that if he wanted to back out at any point, that would be fine, all that stuff. It's almost professional, almost, and Hajime's brain has another laugh at the word. 

Tooru says, "Ours is going to be so much better," in that airy, annoying way he does and tilts his chin up haughtily, even though neither Kageyama or Hinata are here to see it. Hinata replies, "We'll see, Oikawa-san!", says thanks to Hajime one last time and then he hangs up. The phone flashes them with the call timer: two minutes and forty seven seconds. It had felt like both the longest and shortest phone call of his life.

"I guess that's settled," Tooru says. Hajime nods. "Do you wanna go nap, first?"

"Yeah," and then adds, "You know, as sure as I am that I wanna do this, it's still pretty fucking nerve-wracking." Hajime laughs. Surfer dude voice goes _saaaaaaame_ , and he says, "We'll make it good." and kisses him on the mouth. Only the best for Tooru.

* * *

“Well,” Tooru says, rolling over to his side, phone in hand. “Chibi-chan’s finally texted back.” 

The bed somehow survived what he’s been fondly referring to as Hurricane Hajime, but is starting to creak precariously beneath them. It does a little wiggle when Tooru moves to crawl closer, and Hajime is equal parts proud and concerned. His sweat is starting to dry on his skin, and he’s got all kinds of aches that he’s absolutely going to feel even more in the morning.

He doesn’t think he’s especially invested in what they’ll think - the important person here is Tooru, obviously. But it’s not everyday you get your homemade porno peer-reviewed, so Hajime goes, “Yeah? What did he say?” Tooru snorts, showing him his phone. The text reads, _do you take constructive criticism?_ _:) :) jk!_

That startles a laugh out of Hajime. “Bullshit,” he says. “Tell him he can go fuck himself, and that I’m making him do extra squats next week.” Tooru giggles, because he’s a little shit like that, and after a moment his phone pings with another reply. “Oh my god,” Tooru says, laughing this time. “He says that’ll only help him get stronger for when he and Tobio-chan _get freaky_. His words.” And then, "He says he bets he can do that one move better." Hajime grins - he immediately knows which one he's talking about.

And maybe its the afterglow, or the sideways feeling that he's proved something to someone, but Hajime is feeling some kind of brave, so he plucks the phone out of Tooru's hands and texts back, _I'd like to see you try._ Like a challenge, like a whole new can of worms to open. He hits send. Tooru gives gives him a smug look. 

Well, Hajime thinks, rolling over so he can spoon Tooru, so much for professionalism.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, i hope this made you laugh the way it made me!


End file.
